Abena lowered herself onto the seat and straightened her back as per her usual protocol. Her eyes fell on the funny inscription sellotaped to the back of the toilet door which read ‘See how much fun you’re having?’. To cap the entertainment, the inscription had a big smiley emoji that looked straight into the eyes of the guest. It made her giggle. She giggled the more when she realized she was in her boyfriend’s family guest toilet, transfixed on an inscription and giggling to herself. She wondered why someone would go to the extent of creating amusement in a visitors toilet. But she quickly remembered what Fred often told her about his family: they are very funny people. Anytime he said that, she felt it was just a ploy to get her to meet his parents. Now she knew it wasn’t.
She froze for a second as she felt a big escape from her rectal cavity and into the toilet bowl almost simultaneously confirmed by a splash and an unmistakable sound. She hoped no one heard that from outside. The visitors toilet was not too far from the dining area where she, Fred and the rest of the family were having lunch. Or, was it dinner? Whatever it was, the situation was still too delicate to give herself bad press. Only God knew how she managed to quieten the farts that preceded the bowel emptying process. How she hoped Fred had taken her to the toilet in his room upstairs.
Things had escalated pretty quickly between her and her new found love. She had dumped the not-too-serious Akwesi and his useless love games! Beyond funny inscriptions, Fred’s parents were really nice people. The little time she spent with them at the table was great. They tried to make her feel at home, but, you know, meeting your prospective in-laws for the first time can be very disconcerting. You ought to act like this perfect angel. Sometimes you have to fake smiles and laugh like a psychopath, polish your diction and feign interest in whatever crap they’re talking about. It’s in such settings that words like really, wow, and yes please come to the party.
It was therefore crazy when in the middle of the meal, Abena felt a tug, by her stomach walls, which carried a simple message – Get up. Go to the toilet now!!!
“Really? Really? Here? These my house people do not disappoint. They are at it again”, she almost screamed in her mind.
“No, maybe I could hold on till I get out of here”,she tried to assure herself.
As if her digestive system heard her defiance, it tugged again, much harder than the first.
“Excuse me please, I’d like to use the wash room”, she requested in hesitation.
“Hesitating to leave the hosts by the dining table? What sort of bourgeoisie crap is that?”,she asked herself as she walked awkwardly to the toilet, Fred graciously leading the way. What if there was another guest who got up first to use the washroom? What on earth was she going to do? Abracadabra the poopoo out of her system?
“Sister puleeease!”, she reasoned with herself.
As she sat on the WC musing, straightening her back and thinking about Fred’s family, she felt another escape, smaller than the first. A wave of relief streamed through her body. She had tried to go to toilet that morning but her system just wasn’t ready to let go. It was when the car took off that she felt a ‘missed call’. She was already en route for dinner and so ignore she did. Unfortunately, her system started calling back once the dinner started.
“How long had she been in the toilet?”, she wondered.
“Five minutes”, her wristwatch indicated. It seemed like eternity to Abena. What would her in-laws be thinking? She got up and her eyes met the deposit in the WC. She looked away immediately, not in disgust but in fear. Come see the sizes! Who would have thought that this abomination could come out of such a pretty girl? Four times she pulled the toilet roll and four times she cleaned herself, tossing the defiled tissue into the toilet bowl each time. Her pantie went into position and so did her rather long skirt that had virtually swept half of Fred’s house.
She turned the lever on the cistern and as engineered, the water gushed into the toilet bowl in earnest. “Shhhuuuuuuuuu”,it sounded. She watched the t-rolls suctioned up. The smaller deposits disappeared as well, but the worry started when in the final seconds of the flushing, the very big deposit was still floating majestically in the bowl, looking as if it had not even heard that any material, big or small, paper or faecal was being flushed.
“What the heck!! Sweet Dearie”, she said under her breath. She needed to get back to the table urgently. She heard the water fill up. Vital seconds were going but she had to try the second time. She turned down the lever again; this time harder.
“Shhhhuuuuuuuuuu”,the water gushed again. She looked intensely at the excreta, as if to warn it to vanish this time around. The giant, defiant piece of faecal matter just rolled about like a chief dancing in a palanquin. The gush ended and it was back to square one.
“What one earth did I eat yesterday? Aluminium balls?”,she asked; anxious and perplexed.
She knew Fred and his parents had surely heard her flush twice and would be asking questions. Valuable seconds passed and the cistern filled again.
She tried the third time. The sh*t just wont go away.
Maybe this is a sign she thought. Maybe this was a sign that this relationship wasn’t going to work. Maybe this is a sign that she has to go back to Akwesi and his ‘hwiiiitim’ kind of toilet.
You know what hwiiitim is? The hwiiitim kinda toilet is the toilet facility that you squat over a hand dug pit and when you ‘release’, your deposits gleefully free fall into the bottom of the pit, without a parachute. Yeah, that’s what hwiitim is.
At this point, her sweat pores had opened freely. She was sweating like a pregnant fish blown onto the shore to be shown to the sun for three minutes and to be carried back away.
“God please don’t let this happen, pleeeease”,she prayed.
Just then she heard footsteps coming towards the toilet. Someone knocked.
“Is everything alright in there, Abbie?”, Fred asked.
She had to think fast. “Ermm, not too fine at the moment. Just ermm, a little vomiting, I think I might have eaten something unwholesome in the morning. Don’t worry. Its not that bad, I’ll be fine.”
Abena could have sworn that she heard the unflushable piece of toilet laugh at her lie. How she wished there was a scrubbing brush in the toilet to break it into smaller pieces. There was none, probably because that toilet was hardly used.
“Okay, but I’m here, please let me in so I could help. My mom’s a doctor, you know”,Fred said concerned.
Abena was desperate now. She would try for the last time. If it doesn’t work, she would ask Fred to bring her a bucket of water. The problem with the alternative is that everybody would begin to surmise whats up if they should see Fred carry a bucket of water to the visitors washroom.
She flushed again, it didn’t work and she asked Fred for a bucketful of H2O. With anger and showing the middle finger to the defiant piece of sh*t, she emptied the bucket into the toilet bowl. Everything in the bowl rose up turbulently and even more turbulently disappeared.
“Some sh*t just wont go away till you do something drastic”,she thought, sighing heavily.